A bucket list is a list of all the things we want to do before we, well, kick the bucket. It’s usually high adventure stuff–sky diving, whale watching, model dating. I don’t really want to do most of those sorts of things. I’m too much of a weenie.
What I have instead is an un-bucket list; things I’ve never done that I probably won’t ever do, either ’cause I don’t want to, or can’t.
I will never go sky-diving. I like staying in airplanes. I don’t want to jump out of them.
I will never go fishing for marlin, or shark, or other big ocean fish. I also won’t be fly fishing, on the Yemen or anywhere else. I don’t see the attraction. I don’t even like eating fish, unless they’re breaded and in stick form.
So obviously, I will never eat sushi.
I will never attend a NASCAR race. I have attended a demolition derby, and a monster truck rally. That’s enough redneck fun for one lifetime.
I will never run a marathon, or a 10K, or a 5K, or a K. I don’t like to run. I think running should be reserved for times when something large is chasing you. Not that it would do me much good. I’m slow. As my wife put it one day: “it occurs to me that I have very little to fear from bears.”
I will never go on a safari. I will never shoot lions, or hippos, or alligators. Or ‘varmints.’ In fact, I will never again in my life shoot a gun. I used to pot away at tin cans with my Dad’s old .22 rifle; not any more.
I will never become the starting first baseman for the San Francisco Giants. I’ve resigned myself to it. I don’t think that was an unrealistic wish. It’s not like I wanted to play center field. I would have been happy with first base. In fact, I would have been happy with one major league at bat. Probably not happening.
I will never successfully roller skate, or roller blade, or ice skate, or ride a skateboard. My wife says these shouldn’t count, since I have tried all of them. And for years, I harbored a fantasy where I would skate, however briefly, without falling on my butt. But some people are clumsy enough it’s sort of a miracle that they can walk down a city street. I am one of those people.
I will never run for public office.
I will never eat vegemite.
I will never learn to speak Esperanto. So much for world peace achieved through linguistics.
I will never commit an act of high seas piracy.
I will never jam with Keith Richards. I will never sing a duet with Aimee Mann. I will never open for The Who. I will never even meet a Beatle.
I will never fight a duel. I used to think it would be cool to challenge someone to a duel. I imagined slapping them with my gloves. I imagined saying things like “I will have satisfaction, sir!’ Or, even cooler, “my name is Inigo Montoya you killed my father prepare to die.” I’ve even imagined how ‘high dudgeon’ would feel. But it ain’t happenin’.
I will never referee a Super Bowl game.
I will never shoot, or be shot at by, a space alien. Or slam a wooden stake into the heart of a vampire. Or spend a night in a haunted house. Still keeping an open mind regarding zombies.
I will never climb Mount Everest. I will never climb K-2. I will never climb Denali. Heck, even Timpanogas is probably out of my reach.
Above all, I will never play basketball professionally. When I was a kid, that was the only sport I was even a little good at. I was never actually good, though–just tall. So that’s out.
I don’t feel bad about not doing any of these things, by the way. I don’t have to do them. I can read about them.