Yoga: the extremely serious, terribly important, actual factual dangers thereof

Couple days ago, we got this piece of mail addressed to our oldest son.  Since he lives in Minnesota, and hasn’t lived with us since Noah put squirrels on the ark, and since it looked like junk mail, we opened it.  In the envelope was a brochure, glossy, tri-fold, printed on both sides; looked professionally produced.  On the front, along with a picture of a pretty girl exercising, this title: Yoga, it’s more than just an exercise.  Under that, a sub-title: “Yoga means ‘in yoke,’ ‘unity,’ ‘oneness with.  Know exactly what you’re engaging into.” Under that, another sub-title: “The truth about Yoga exposed.” 

I do not know if my son is currently engaging into yoga, or even engaging with, or in.  We certainly would never have allowed any such shenanigans when he was living here!  None of that physical and spiritual discipline stuff here!  We’re actually more about basketball. 

But you never know about those Minnesotans.  Maybe he’s come under some malign influence.  Maybe someone has seen him doing those exercises, humming ‘om’, acheiving moksha.  Clearly someone who knows him thought he needed this timely warning.  ‘Cause we read the pamphlet, and as we say in Utah: OH MY HECK.

Danger Will Robinson!  I had no idea.   See, okay, here’s the skinny:  God’s version of ‘yoking,’ “is based on an application of ‘undoing‘ . . . by ‘removing‘ the devilish things in us that in turn increases our flow of God’s Divine Life Supporting Energy Spirit in us (via TREE of LIFE) that produces health +.  Whereas the Devil’s version is an application of ‘doing‘ by ‘adding‘ demonic angels IN you that replaces (dethrones) God as health care provider +, like getting a spirit transfusion–making you more of them and lesser of YOUR True Divine Self.”  Whew.  That’s an actual quote, by the way, including the bad grammar and + signs. 

‘Cause see, here’s the thing.  All those yoga exercises?  “Each body manipulation technique is a spiritual prostration, submission of self (the marriage ritual ceremony) to inviting demonic angels in to bind with your spirit-body–the SOUL (mind, will, emotions).  Pilates and similar body structural alignments are rooted in the same origin as yoga.”  (My daughter’s done Pilates.  She says actually the main reason she did was to bind her spirit-body with demonic angels.  The health benefits were tangential.)  What they leave out, oddly enough, is the proven fact that Pilates is named after Pontius Pilate! Who KILLED JESUS!!!! 

They don’t actually go there.  But there is more.  Much much much much more.  Plus a link to their website.  The answer to all this yogic devil-marrying is, as it happens, Jesus.  Whodathunk it.  Plus they sell oils.  And pet products.  And stuff. 

Every region, every sub-culture has its own brand of crazy.  Mormons are not immune.  There used to be a woman in our ward who, every Halloween, wouldn’t give the kids candy, but instead handed out brochures about the Satanic origins of that holiday.  Result: kids stopped trick-or-treating there.  For awhile, Utah culture seemed overrun practically with the magnet people: “I strapped a little magnet to my knee, and voila, the arthritis was GONE!” 

But this yoga thing, that one’s new to me.  The BYU acting program offers classes in yoga.  I know acting teachers (and actors) who swear by it.  I know others who don’t think it helped ’em much.  I think yoga’s probably awesome.  I’m not into it, but I’m good friends with folks who are, and it works for them. 

So, in the annals of crazy, this anti-yoga thing deserves its own chapter.  You can’t say you weren’t warned.  Either way. 

4 thoughts on “Yoga: the extremely serious, terribly important, actual factual dangers thereof

  1. Ardis

    Epic. I am definitely going to have to start taking a closer look at my junk mail. Maybe there’s more to those dentistry ads than I thought.

  2. Jennifer

    Lol, you can’t be serious that you believe Pilates came from Pontius Pilate?! WOW, please let me educate you in some actual facts (not heresy). Pilates was created by Joseph Pilates in the 1920′s (his exercise method was originally called Contrology) he happened to be a professional German boxer in his early career. He was looking for a way to create length, strength and neurological integration. Pilates has absolutely NOTHING to do with Yoga except that there are a few yoga stretches that resemble the Pilates movements, however the breathing is entirely different in Pilates and there is no spiritual influence behind it like there is in yoga. JP developed “Contrology” while he was put in an internment camp in England as a hospital orderly during WWI .

    If you notice the Reformer and Cadillac look similar to a hospital bed, because that’s what he based the equipment off of since that’s all he had to work with. Also, the Low Chair is based off a literal chair that he learned to turn over and use as a leverage device. Also, the famous trapeze on the Cadillac is in fact based off of a cast leg sling attached to hospital beds. Joseph Pilates understood so much about the human body. He was way ahead of his time and wasn’t even recognized in his lifetime for his life changing work. After 6 months of Pilates, my chronic back pain is totally gone! I have more strength than I’ve ever had. Joseph’s goals were spinal flexion and extension (keeping the spine strong and healthy breathtaking death begins in spinal deterioration a lot of times) that people would be able to do more in their later years because of his dedication and hard work. Sorry, there’s nothing “demonic” about Pilates folks. It’s just an incredible physical/mental exercise regimen that truly changes and strengthens your body for the better in so many ways.

    1. admin Post author

      Uh, I actually do know all that. I was making fun of this silly mailer, which made all those silly claims. Sorry, this was satire. But I’m glad pilates works for you. It’s been great for my daughter too.


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